Obituaries

James Phung 馮炎坤先生
B: 1930-12-05
D: 2017-10-10
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Phung 馮炎坤先生, James
Yok Moy 梅若新先生
B: 1947-04-09
D: 2017-09-27
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Moy 梅若新先生, Yok
Guo Fu 阮府傅国芳夫人
B: 1953-11-12
D: 2017-09-25
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Fu 阮府傅国芳夫人, Guo
Xiu Wu李府伍秀娟夫人
B: 1935-01-21
D: 2017-09-16
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Wu李府伍秀娟夫人, Xiu
Ran Tan 潭然先生
B: 1923-10-09
D: 2017-09-13
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Tan 潭然先生, Ran
Zhe Jiang江柘舟先生
B: 1946-01-18
D: 2017-09-04
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Jiang江柘舟先生, Zhe
Sing Lai 黎成基先生
B: 1931-02-06
D: 2017-08-31
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Lai 黎成基先生, Sing
Jin Chen 陈錦新先生
B: 1936-08-26
D: 2017-08-30
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Chen 陈錦新先生, Jin
Ngam Banh 王府彭吟夫人
B: 1933-09-08
D: 2017-08-25
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Banh 王府彭吟夫人, Ngam
Hiển Lâm 林鎮波先生
B: 1957-01-13
D: 2017-08-17
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Lâm 林鎮波先生, Hiển
Jian Zhai翟健生先生
B: 1929-09-13
D: 2017-08-15
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Zhai翟健生先生, Jian
Zupei Zeng 曾租培先生
B: 1932-01-14
D: 2017-08-11
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Zeng 曾租培先生, Zupei
Wai Kwok 梁府郭惠英夫人
B: 1939-07-14
D: 2017-08-07
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Kwok 梁府郭惠英夫人, Wai
Christina Chen 李府陈秀叶夫人
B: 1954-09-01
D: 2017-08-06
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Chen 李府陈秀叶夫人, Christina
Tuyen Ly 李福泉先生
B: 1939-08-02
D: 2017-08-05
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Ly 李福泉先生, Tuyen
Lai Chan 陳府程麗英夫人
B: 1934-08-09
D: 2017-07-27
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Chan 陳府程麗英夫人, Lai
Thu Ha 郭府何菊秋夫人
B: 1927-12-31
D: 2017-07-25
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Ha 郭府何菊秋夫人, Thu
CHAN TAT 陳曉達先生
B: 1932-11-27
D: 2017-07-25
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TAT 陳曉達先生, CHAN
Longcan Mei 梅龙灿先生
B: 1936-05-13
D: 2017-07-23
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Mei 梅龙灿先生, Longcan
Wai Lee 梁府李惠婷夫人
B: 1953-01-06
D: 2017-07-23
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Lee 梁府李惠婷夫人, Wai
Rongdeng Tan 谭荣登先生
B: 1946-04-16
D: 2017-07-21
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Tan 谭荣登先生, Rongdeng

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Ending Denial and Finding Acceptance

Acceptance is the very first task in your bereavement. Dr. James Worden writes that we must "come full face with the reality that the person is dead, that the person is gone and will not return."

This is where a funeral can be very important. Traditionally, the casketed body of the deceased is at the front of the room and guests are invited to step up to personally say their goodbyes. Part of stepping up means seeing with our own eyes that death has actually occurred and that actualizing is an essential part of coming to accept the death. Yet, the tradition of viewing has eroded over time with many families today choosing cremation and opting to hold a memorial service after the cremation has taken place. The focal point of the ceremony becomes the cremation urn, holding the cremated remains or ashes out-of-sight and making the reality of the death less evident and the road to acceptance less clearly marked.

Acceptance May Seem Out-of-Reach

For many, acceptance means agreeing to reality. Most of us, when we lose someone dear to us, simply don't want to agree to it; we actually have an aversion to agreeing and accepting. So, let's use a different word - try adjustment, or integration. Both words focus on the purposeful release of disbelief. Someone who has integrated the death of a loved one into their life has cleared the path to creating a new life; a pro-active life where a loved one's memory is held dear, perhaps as a motivating force for change.

It does take time. In Coping with the Loss of a Loved One, the American Cancer Society cautions readers that "acceptance does not happen overnight. It’s common for it to take a year or longer to resolve the emotional and life changes that come with the death of a loved one. The pain may become less intense, but it’s normal to feel emotionally involved with the deceased for many years after their death. In time, the person should be able to reclaim the emotional energy that was invested in the relationship with the deceased, and use it in other relationships." 

Whatever you call it, this essential part of mourning is what allows us to live fully again. It allows us to step out of the darkness of mere existence and back into the sunshine where life is sweet again. Of course, it's a very different life than the one you had before your loved one died.

Sources:
Worden, James, Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, 4th Edition, 2009.

American Cancer Society, "Coping with the Loss of a Loved One", 2012